Breweries are Dumb

*Hot Colorado Take Warning*

Now this might not be something you’re gonna like, but hear me out: Breweries. are. dumb. They are bad places to drink beer. If what you’re looking for is a nice place to enjoy a nice beer, then a brewery is not for you. This might come as a surprise to you as a young, attractive, socially conscious, and culturally experienced, food and drink enthusiast. You’ve likely heard the raving brewery reviews and maybe you’ve bought into the brewery craze a little bit yourself.  It’s true that you’ve been to a brewery had a not bad time! So what gives?!

I’ll tell ya what gives, okay?! Breweries are pretentious as hell! You walk in there and you immediately feel inferior. If you don’t have an opinion on a blood orange saison, then you suck. That’s dumb! What the heck is a saison anyway? What’s the right way to pronounce it? I’ve ordered at least ten saison’s in my life and I still don’t know whether it’s “say-zon” or “sigh-son”. Your beer shouldn’t be difficult to pronounce.  Drinking a beer should be a relaxing experience during which you can vent about your troubles or chat about an exciting upcoming event with friends.  I shouldn’t be worried about whether or not everyone can see the zit on my chin because the lighting is so damn bright and I sure as hell shouldn’t be getting butt cramps from the middle school art stool I’ve been sitting on for thirty seconds at this dang brewery.

Yes, the beer is fresh, and it tastes better than a bud light.  But, it’s twice the price, and the yeast fermenting back there in those giant silver bullets smells like poo! I don’t need to know where and when, exactly, my beer is being created.  If you told me they shipped it in from mexico last week, I honestly would not care, as long as it was cold, and reasonably priced.

You can get lots of beer that isn’t bud light, costs $5 or less, and enjoy it in a room with soft lighting and comfortable seating.  It’s true, these places exist.  And they’re called Bars.  They’re quite popular, in fact, and I’m guessing there’s one not too far from your living room.  Perhaps it’s even within walking distance.  So enough with the dang brewery talk.  There’s more to drinking than trying every small batch vanilla porter west of the Mississippi.

Get out and get into those weird, regular, cool, and funky neighborhood bars and just chill out, man.

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